It’s so hard to look at a glass half full when there is no
glass at all,I’m not saying that just because I’m spending my second year after
graduation looking for a job and I couldn’t find one until now,but the reasons
that got me depressed are more human ties related.
It’s true being unemployed for such a long time can depress you
big time,especially that nobody is there to support you,every door I knocked
was locked,unless you know ‘someone ‘,the most pathetic thing is that I
have applied for unpaid internships just to add some experience to my background,since
all job offers require at least 2 years work relevant experience which I don’t
have.I mean God dammit,if you won’t hire me,where the hell am I supposed to get
the 2 years experience from ? Sadly,even the internship couldn’t be
obtained.
Anyway,no one would risk giving a graduate a traineeship
period,because they’re afraid of you claiming a salary or a permanent work
position.MotherF.
Oh Gosh,I feel better letting this out ! Really !
However,the reason behind my depression is the huge loss of
friends I had to deal with lately,don’t worry,they are not dead,they just
decided to walk away because I did some wrong things.People have the right to
be mad at eachother for mistakes they make,but forgivness is there to get things fixed again,right ?
Well,here my story,I have met this girl called Hiba online
after seeing her pictures on Instagram,I added her on Facebook,and we started
talking ,she was so nice to me,and mostly respectful .I told myself that I wasn’t
gonna fall for her,because friends don’t do that !
Hiba had a best-friend called Firdaous that I added on
Facebook too,It might sound a little bit weird that I wanted to be friends with
everyone.Firdaous and I never talked,except the time when she approved my
friend request,I had to send her a Thank You message as a part of web etiquette.
I couldn’t help falling for Hiba,I’m a guy,I have emotions,and
sometimes it’s hard to control them,everything was smoothly flowing until I met another person and all got
diverted.
I won’t deny that it was my fault,because Hiba &
Firdaous had a friend called Afaf that I randomly added on Facebook too,when
she accepted me,we talked on Skype after an odd suggestion from me,because I
was totally a stranger back then .
I knew what I was doing was kind of suspicious,how can you
talk to other girls on Skype until a late time,when you are said to love
someone else ? It’s so not rational,somehow unfaithful,but for the
confident that I am,I told myself that Hiba is the one I love,and Afaf is just
a new friend that I have so much in common with,we used to enjoy late night
conversations ‘cause they were in English,I loved communicating with
her.Unfortunately,I wish I could put a full stop in the end of that line,but
things evolved promptly,and the worst happened.
One day,I confessed my love to Afaf,actually I just told her
that I like her ,I told her that when we met too,and deep inside,I was
sure that I’m very likely to fall for her.At the time,Hiba asked me a couple
times about Afaf,and I told her she’s just a friend,I wish I could tell her the
truth,but I was afraid of hurting her feelings,’cause she means a lot to me .
Concerning Afaf,I told her everything,I trusted her so
much,I told her about Hiba,and I told her that if things will get
complicated,we don’t have to move on with this,and maybe we should stick to
friendship zone.Unsurprisingly,she was ready to step forward,because she used
to like me too.
I felt so guilty being involved in all this ,I never
wanted to play such wicked games,but I unintentionally did.I started walking
away from Hiba very carefully,she noticed,and she was Okay with it,but I knew
that deep inside ,she felt hurt.I told myself that those things happen,she’ll
get over it,I just hoped she won’t hate me in the future if she ever finds out
that me & her friend are together.
I was playing with fire,but I couldn’t realize it,Afaf
was like a detective watching every
single move I make,she’s always asking me : why did you add my friend ?
Are you talking to Hiba ? Why did you likr Noussaiba’s pictures ? ...
She wasn’t jealous,she was just being curious,she was cold
and stupidly smart,thinking of me as an enemy,she judged me so soon.Our
feelings started to fade away,mostly mine,’cause I wasn’t even sure if she
liked me anymore,I wasn’t happy to watch her go,not because I wanted her
around,but the way she just made up her arrogant mind & left was kinda harsh & funny.She suddenly blocked
me on Facebook one day,I could tell by checking up her porfile from another
account I possess,I wasn’t stalking or anything,I just wanted to know what
really happened,I thought she temporarily deactivated her account to
concentrate on studies & forth-coming exams as Firdaous ,but it was clearly
about me.
So did Hiba,she deactivated her account for a while,she had
it back,but kept me blocked .I sent
both girls apologies and explaination messages on Whatsapp & Viber,trying
to understand what’s going on and whether there’s something I could do to work
things out.I even made them light painted pictures with their names before they
deleted/blocked me,but none of them cared,except of the neutral Firdaous,I
asked her once if Hiba is mad at me because she is her best friend,but she
denied being aware of anything ,I partly believed her,I mean come on ! She’s
your bestie,she must’ve told you something !
Anyway,I was sad because people decided to let you drown in
the ocean without giving you a chance to defend your self and make things
clear,I felt horrible,I hated myself,but I didn’t hate the girls,I thought we
were gonna be friends,it was my last conclusion & all I ever wanted
eversince I found out that this whole relationship story is pointless,but I
guess I was very late to figure that out,Hiba & Afaf were gone bu then.
The emotional gap left in my hear & mind wasn’t easy to fill,I started talking to Firdaous ‘cause
she knows both Afaf & Hiba,and I kept lying to myself saying that
everything’s gonna be Ok as long as Firdaous is there,she might be my
saviour,she might do something to end my misery,but I never dared to tell her
the story because I don’t know how she’s gonna react,and if Hiba has already
told her something to make a stand
against me,I mean when your best friend tells you something about a person that
is completely stranger to you ,it’s hard to change that prejudgment unless you
get to know the person very well.
I didn’t know if Firdaous would be interested in knowing me,Hiba could’ve told her bad things
about me,and thus she’ll take me for granted,and never trust a word of what I
say.
You know,I want nothing from no one,I just want things to be
normal again,I wish I could go back in time,and do this whole thing propely,I
was very driven,and my unstable heart led me to self-destruction,and fatal
isolation.I loved nobody but myself,I was very selfish,and I lost everything.
I wish I could get the chance to meet Hiba,Afaf,and Firdaous
and tell them what happened directly,no lies,no walls between us,and then they
can choose what to do with me.I might
sound needy,and some of you may think : « what’s the use ? »
,« There are many girls out there,go find some ! », or even « You’re a moron,you don’t deserve a
second chance ! »
The problem is,these girls are basically good people,& I
hate seeing good people run away & do nothing about it.
I don’t know what else to say,I hope they’ll change their
minds if they ever read this.
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